Dan Jenkins: My (Fake) Interview With Tiger : Golf Digest
When Tiger Woods returned to golf from his back surgery, the national media saw it as the greatest news flash since D-Day. This energized me so much I immediately tracked down Tiger and asked if we could do the interview we should have done years ago. Surprisingly, Tiger agreed and suggested we grab a couple of orange Slurpees at the 7-Eleven and meet at a GameStop, where we could play Tomb Raider during breaks.
I insisted on picking the location and told Tiger I would rule out the fire hydrant but would still pick one of the places where he'd spent the past six years not winning another major.
My first choice was the greenside bunker on No. 6 at Royal Lytham & St. Annes. Why? Because it was the hole where Tiger suffered the only bad break I ever saw him get in a major while he was in contention.
The lie in that bunker in the final round of the 2012 British Open was so impossible he might as well have tried to play out while lying on his belly and using a pool cue. He came away with a shocking triple-bogey 7 and tied for third place. To my mind, it was the highlight of his six-year slump.
But that seemed a long way to go for a chat, so we met at a diner, and the interview began. From here on, the voice in boldface type will be mine.
Why did you turn down previous interview requests with me?
Like Steiny said: We had nothing to gain.
So why now?
Steiny says we have to rebuild my brand.
Why? TV still loves you.
The print press still loves you. The average fans still love you. Of course the average fans still love the Kardashians, too, but I feel sure America will find a cure for this someday.
I just do what Steiny says.
Why haven't you fired Steiny, by the way? You've fired everybody else. Three gurus, Butch, Hank and Sean Foley. Two caddies, Fluff and Stevie. Your first agent, Hughes Norton, who made you rich before you'd won anything. Other minions.
I'll probably get around to it.
I like to fire people. It gives me something to do when I'm not shaping my shots.
You must have fired Marko. Don't hear much about him these days.
Who?
Mark O'Meara. Your old buddy.
The name sounds familiar.
Marko was your best friend in golf at one time.
I'm sorry, I can't place him.
Did he play the tour?
I've always wanted to ask, what's with these pet names you give people? Maybe it's a California thing, but Marko? Steiny? Stevie? Cookie? Chuckie? It's like everybody but you comes out of the ft lauderdale golf packages Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.
I don't know, Jenko. I'll have to ask Steiny about that.
You might not recall this, but in 2001 after you had won six majors, I predicted you'd win 24.
I was on a roll, man. Everybody predicted it.
You want to know the real reason I did? You had no competition. Aside from Phil Mickelson and Ernie Els, the guys who finished second to you were people like Tom Kite, Sergio, Thomas Bjorn, Bob May, David Duval, Chris DiMarco, Colin Montgomerie, Woody Austin, Shaun Micheel and Rocco Mediate.
That's not a bad list.
Yeah, right. That's why I've been so busy keeping up with all their majors.
Hey, I've been second in six majors. That means I could have won 20 by now, doesn't it?
You've been second to Rich Beem, Michael Campbell, Trevor Immelman, Y.E. Yang, Zach Johnson and Angel Cabrera. You really want to bring that up?
Guess not.
Speaking of Sergio, I'm sure you read this quote he said about you: "He's not the nicest guy on tour. We don't enjoy each other's company. You don't have to be a rocket engineer to figure that out." Got a response?
Sergio wins Low Crybaby in every tournament. That's all I know.
Not sure you're aware of this, but back when you were at the top of your game I was also the guy who said only two things could stop you from winning more majors than Jack: injury or a bad marriage.
You wrote that?
In a moment of brilliance, yes.
You nailed it.
http://www.golfdigest.com/golf-tours-news/2014-12/dan-jenkins-fake-interview-with-tiger